do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
