Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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