Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Randomize
