so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
