he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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