you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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