I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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