It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
