Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
