just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Randomize
