If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
