I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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