my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
