party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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