What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
