K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Randomize
