Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
