I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
