i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
