I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
