The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
