Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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