Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
