We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
