I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Randomize
