So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
