Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
did i walk over a car last night?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
