i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Randomize
