Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Randomize
