They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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