I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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