she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Randomize