There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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