You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
