So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
