I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
