Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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