Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
