I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
So squirting runs in the family.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Randomize
