Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
