considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
