take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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