even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
