Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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