just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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