I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
