What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
