The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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