whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
