Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
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