Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
