How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
