Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
